When we finally leave, I find myself painfully trying to walk as slow as everyone else. Maybe it’s just my height in comparison to most people here, but the pace seems unnatural. (Although as Monica pointed out to me, due to the heat, not many people want to work up a sweat on the way home.) So not only does it bother me to leave late, but then to walk slowly just wears on my patience. Many people know that I walk fast (even when compared to people my own height), which I like to blame on my older sisters. When we were younger we used to walk to the pool, the post office, church, Santoni’s, with Leanne in front, me in the middle, Sara in the back. In order to keep up with Leanne and not get trampled by long-legs Sara, I had to keep it pretty brisk. Anyhow, whatever the reason, my tendency to walk fast has the possibility of rubbing off the wrong way on someone, so I consciously try to change it.
When I think about what my rush is, I realize I have no idea. I usually don’t have anywhere to be, and leaving at three gives me plenty of time to get home before dark, so why do I lose my patience? I usually make my culture the scapegoat, always telling people (or convincing myself), ‘Bueno, mi cultura es diferente…’ It's kind of like this country song by Alabama that I used to sing obsessively:
I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why
Sometimes I think that what it really boils down to is self-centeredness. Perhaps the reason that I am so impatient is just because the world isn’t aware of my agenda. I remember from my psych class in high school a drawing that our teacher showed us of a person with each part of the body drawn in proportion to the amount of feeling sensors in that area. (Below, image from wisdomquarterly.blogspot.com)
I think that if someone were to draw me to scale with the things or people that are important in my life, according to amount of importance, you might see a drawing of, well, just me.
All of this reminds me of a song I learned here from the MCC team, sung by Jaime Murrel:
Yo quiero más de ti
Y habitar en tu presencia...
Menguar para que crezcas tú, y cada día seré
más como tú.
Quebranta mi corazón.
Quebranta mi vida
Te entrego mi voluntad a ti.
Todo lo que soy señor
Todo cuanto tengo es tuyo
Yo quiero menguar para que crezcas tú.
I want more of you,
To dwell in your presence.
Decrease myself so that you may increase,
And every day I’ll be more like you
Break my heart, shatter my soul
I give you my will
Everything that I am God,
Everything that I have is yours
I want to decrease that you might increase
(Sorry, it doesn't sing quite as pretty in English)
It also brings to mind Matthew 16:24: “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’” This verse is beautiful because it captures two very important ideas, the first being the notion that we must die to ourselves to follow Christ, putting aside our desires, our material items, our emotions, etc. If we truly deny ourselves, all we have left is Christ, causing us to depend on him. This leads to the second idea behind the verse (in my opinion) - if we can accomplish this-truly denying ourselves- then we are better able to serve others, which Christ called us to do.
I have a friend that tells me every once in a while, ‘Christa, not everything is about you…’ (a very helpful reminder). I think that if I could remember this on the daily, it would deepen my relationship with Jesus Christ and with others around me.
